im anxious

Salam gais! so actuallly I'm quite anxious. with myself of course. first its about love.  its not a serious relationship, but deep inside, i would like to make this work. work for real, even though i know it will be really hard. however, in the same time, i feel really insecure with myslef which i think i forgot how to be in love. because it maybe so hard for me after a massive broken heart a few years ago. and i wish i never going through again because it is too annoying for me to feel a massive feel of the edge and having depression symptom likewhat the hell. hahahahhahahahahaha. so i already read if imcompletelyconvinced i am forgot how to love. so the site say learn to love unconditionally. but yeah, i dont want to take a risk. because yeah, i dont want to take a risk. i feel anxious, i feel worried..but whatever its not important..so bye

i've made a mistake

salam gais.. so its not a big mistake..but still, it is a mistake.
ape bende yang aku rasa mistake ni?

oke, aku rase cam salah untuk aq citer masalah aku kat member aku. as i expect.she keep telling me to tell her if i want to say about anything, but, in the end, dia tak dengar pon. ayuh ha ha ha.

aku cam, okey, you need me if you want to tell me something, but, you cant even hear me.afterall im a bus stop yall. do you hear me? yeah dude, im a bus stop.

they will come to me as if im another stop, waiting for the bus. of course i should feel great for helping them, yeah. i feel really great but, i feel empty. indeed, i feel empty inside. it is better to shut myself then to know people around as they acting like im a friend-til-dead while im not feel the same. such a shallow feeling keep attach to me. come to me as they want, leave me when you are done.

why then you want to know me?

i cant even brain that. for sure.

and pray for me..aku tak nak suka toki weh. aku suka dia siut.

Semasam asam dalam mulut

Salam gais.

tajuk tu takde kene mengene dengan apa yang aku nak citer skang ni. Tapi tu la, aku tengah makan asam skang ni. Asam ape je yang tak masam kan..hahahhahahahahaha..budu

aku nak citer sikit..

first, about jpam. yes, i am triggered. triggered untuk keluar baris. tapi serius aku cakap semua ni cam sia sia kalau aku nak keluar baris sekarang. kalau aku nak keluar baris sepatutnya dari awal awal lagi. tapi kalau la ni aku baru nak keluar baris can sia sia.tapi macam, aku serius talk, aku da penat senanyer. tuan aku cakap jangan bawak masuk hal peribadi ke dalam sispa, but eventually, i cant anymore. aku sumpah penat. kalau sebab duit etc etc uh aku cam,key fine, tak de la nak concerned sangat, tapi ntah la..aku penat

it looks like aku macam suka berfoya foya buat masa ni, and you can said that i was like spoil brat sebab takde motivation langsung nak buat pape. yes, aku da masukkan personal problem aku kat daily life aku. such a horrible person iam. im very anxious right now. i want to cry hard yet what the point of that, i ask myself again and again. i can see nothing if i cry over somewhat a 'small' things. i want a hug telling me everythingsgonna be okay, yet i cant bring myself to do that.

 secondly, mak au nak kahwin

im totally tak bangkang idea ni, sebab ni hal mak aku kan. katanyer bulan 1 tahun depan. aku tak bangkang gais, aku cuma cakap ikut mak aku la nak buat ape. after all she deserve to be happy right. im anxious about this. and aku cakap ngan mak aku, ikut mak, bukan akak yang nak kawen pon. kan kan? tell me i was saying the right thing gais. i just need to believe everything is right from the start. this is what it meant to be.

from when i was left behind until now. i just want to believe that all is well when i am super tired. i dont know whom to say all this because i cant say a single things seriously. because it just a pathetic for me to say all this.
what a pathetic side of me having all these thoughhts and wanting to closed my eyes

and i know im not a good daughter when i push away all my attached feelings. tell me that its okay to push away my feelings. tuan aku cakap, jangan keraskan hati awak, buang ego tu jauh jauh. tell me how to. i will be too fragile kalau aku tak keraskan hati aku, kalau aku buang ego aku. then i cant stand on my own.

and my only hope rn is 'all is well'

Something is something

Salam!!!!!!

Hahahhahahahahahhahahhahahahahahha

well..aku nak story..tapi tak tau nak story gane..emm aku kerap sangat post k?? tak ennn..en? emmmm tanya ngan habuk. takpe, takde sape bace..hahahahahahahahhaha

ntah la..tadi kitorang makan..and they ask how i was raised by my parents. there was a difference between me and them. i just dont know how to answer it. bukannyer aku kene abuse or whatsoever yang mungkin terlintas kat minda korang yang terlebih aktif tu key. not at all

aku tau ade jer yang macam aku
i know soe of there somewhere and i might shouldnttell this here. sbb ia menampakkan aku macam tak bersyukur. aku bukan tak bersyukur key, aku sangat bersyukur sbb uh yang jadikan sape aku skarang. im quite proud with myself, just because i can be myself without worries. because some of people are too insecure about themself, and i have free mind and thought

sbb when they said how they got all they want masa kecik, aku rase cam tak nak citer pasal aku. sbb aku bukan dapat pon apa yang aku nak, and when i know i will not get it, i just shut my lips because hope is much hurt than ignore.

skali lagi, aku bukan tak bersyukur, aku sangat sangat bersyukur dengan kehidupan aku. sbb aku akhirnya mengamalkan cara berfikir dengan banyak kali walaupun sekali sekala..Hahahahahahahahahhahah

sekali sekala gais

sebab aq slalu tak function...

Empty

Salam gais! So today...aku nak citer sikit..which..yeah..

so i guess you know that not worth feeling. You know, i think i meddle with people bussiness too much which i somehw regret it. aku tak suka nak meddle ngan bisne sorang, tapi..i cant help it when they come to me and told their feelings. i just doing my job to hear them out.shoot it. and somehow i feel somewhat empty inside. i dont know why. but i feel like thta. i feel kinda empty.

and i somehow miss my crush a bit. just a bit. and i miss aisyah and aimi too. miss them for real. im not good with words. im not good with expressing myself.

It has been a longgggggg time!

Assalamualaikum and i bid a very good evening as well as good night! So it has been so long i dont spill anything here. Sebab aku tade citer nak diceritakan. Skang da hampir pertengahan sem. So its quite busy for me. Da balik trip kan. Buat la kerja. HAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAWTFHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. Aku pun da start busy dengan measured drawing. Memang muka aku muka measured drawing jer. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Takpe aku bahagia. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oke. Sorry. I guess I'm quite high this night even when i dont take too much sweet things or drink any caffein based.
 
Sebenarnyer... I'm lying. ade bende aku nak citer. HAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA

Remember my crush that i babble since post sem 1. Yeah, him. AHHAHAHAA shit. Sejak akhir sem lepas which is when it was the start for semester break, aku cuba utk move on. Dan (ignore all the tatabahasa bila kata penghunung takleh jadi pemula ayat) awal semester aku punyalah tekad nak move on saying i dont feel anything at him which it was a lie. But in the end, i cant fully move on guys. I cant. But (another but, hahahahaha) aku gak admit yang perasaan  aku kat dia da kurang. Mungkin sebab aku rasa a bit immatured for him to hide his story ig from me (yeah guys, after a few months aku takleh move on lagi daripada bende ni). Tapi tu bukan bende yang aku nak citer pada malam yang indah lagi sejuk ni.

Aku kan. Aku sebenarnyer tengah tahan geram tau. Kalau tak nak tu buat jer cara tak nak macam kau avoid aku dulu. Aku sumpah tak kisah. Ni tak. Because after the trip or should I said, masa trip tu he's a bit weird la. Aku ta cakap yang aku ni perasan n I'm back all over him. I'm not easy like that. Tapi dia tak lagi avoid aku macam dulu. Aku mengaku yang aku tak lagi pandang dia cam dulu. Because I no longer care.

Then tadi aku perasan he was like..kang aku cakap naty bunyik cam perasan plak. Sebab this make me very uncomfortable bila orang kau kau suka avoid kau gila gila sampai nak tgk muka kau pon kalau bole, tetiba acting somewhat normal. i guess he is bipolar. He indeed have some problem.

And me? Of course aku takde masalah bipolar cam dia. Aku ni sangat jujur. Bila aku cakap suka, that's that. And vice versa.

Aku admit, dia ada kualiti yang aku nak. Tapi ye la, kita takleh nak paksa orang. Lagipun aku cuma suka dia. Ye gais. Suka gais. Sampai dekat dua tahun aummmmm.

Oke. Tu je aku nak citer. Baiii.

NEW SEM of SEM 5!!

Assalamualaikum and hai gais. So its not too late untuk cakapkembali ke semester baru yakni semester 5. Yeay for me. YEAYYYYYYY!..krik krik..

so i am very very sorry for the kinda deppressive post for a few month before. Cant help it but spill. Not gonna lie, I still have depressive episode now and then, but I think I can still manage it. Takat ni suicidal thought aku takde la teruk sangat.  Tipu la kalau cakap aku terus ok. Tapi aku still tengah recover diri sendiri.AndI have never ending story about my family. Kinda awful to me, but yah, Im not in a place to spill more tahn this. cukup la beberapa post yang lepas aku bercerita pasal family aku. it gets boring overtime right? aku pon da penat.

so, pointer aku sem lepas 3.4. naik sikit la. better than sem lepas. but sem ni aku kene boost kan lagi pointer aku kalau nak dapat first class.and for jpam, of course, there are never ending work from jpam as well as my assignments. minggu depan da pergi trip yall.. trip ke johor. im lookking forward, sedikit la.. sebab bangunan ni susah sikkit. so im in the between to enjoy or not. tapi peluang datang skali jer, so, better kalau aku enjoy mende ni kan?

so kalau ada pape aku cerita lagi dalam post akan datang. chiao!

Selamat Hari Raya!

So hi guys..skang ni da raya keberapa ntah which i feel kind of lost bila ramadhanpergi.. mungkin aq terlepas malam uh..macam mana aku tahu?

i just knew it. however sebab da raya, so selamat hari raya. pendapatan aku tahun ni berkurangan la macam biasa, tapi bukan uh yang aku nak..aku nak enjoyment
without enjoyment, apa makna raya uh kan?

however, ada citer tak best which crush aku hide kan ig story dy daripada aku, like the f*ck?
for real aku tak kacau pun hidup which aq cuma balas story dy dua kali gais. dua kali! aku tak rasa macam aku ganggu hidup dy. kat U pon kalau berselisih aku tak tegur langsung dy.

which dy sendiri yang cakap, after aku confess uh buat macam takde pape, so aku buat la macam takde pape. and dy jugak cakap nak suka sesape uh hak memasing. DUDE! memang hak aku la nak suka dy! dy tak nak suka aku pegi mati laaaa, aku kesah ape siak. ape kaitan sampai kau nak hide ig story bagai? aku bukan terhegeh hegeh kejar kau pun. aku tau la batas aku. sumpah tak mature. aku ingat dy ni mature la. last last dy sendiri yang buat macam kitorang ni ade pape. mulut aku ni ringan je nak carut. tapi aku tahan jer.

member aku tanya la kat aku, aku menyesal x confess ke dia? aku cakap la tak, sebab aku da expect akan jadi ceni, tapi aku tak expect la sampai dy nak hide ig story dy.. hilang selera aku kat dy. i expect him and thought him to be mature, yet, he is not that mature. lagi tak mature daripada orang yang pernah tinggalkan aku. aku tak nak banding, tapi da terbanding. tapi aku da takde pape perasaan  kat orang yang pernah tinggalkan aku uh key. dy pon da ade awek. aku tak hadap ngan  laki orang. aku bukan jenis yang suka sailang hak orang, which aku pon tak suka gak orang sailang hak aku. wahai crush..kalau jadi insan uh biar lebih bijak, member aku follow kau kat ig bruh.


then, about my dad...siblings aku bagitau yang bapak aku nak kenalkan bakal mak tiri kat kitorang tapi  bapak aku tak gitau aku satu benda pun which bring me to the edge of curiosity. beb, bapak kau ade awek tak nak roger kau tapi roger adik beradik yang lain weh. aku takde la terasa, tapi just tertanya tanya laa. then aku pun da nampak da hint hint bapak aku nak sampaikan kat aku, cuma aku buat bodoh je la. then, bapak aku nak jual rumah yang kitorang duduk uh dengan alasan berat nak bayar rumah n for harta sepencarian. mannnn, aku da cukup sakit kepala ngan assignment pastu begini pula yang jadi. serius, aku tak kisah mak bapak aku nka kahwin baru, tapi settle kan tanggungjawab yang ada dulu. adik aku baru form 4 kott. at least lepaskan aku bagi aku habis belajar dulu, so that aku bleh support adik aku. ini tak. kalau aku tau better aku takyah sambung blajar wehhh

buang duit dan masa kalau aku tau jadi ceni. dengan sijil stpm pon bleh hidup laaa.

aku tak marah. tapi aku kecewa. bukan dengan taksir, tapi dengan insan yang berkenaan. kadang orang ni tak nampka  salah dia tapi nampak salah orang lain kan?

i hate it.

trip to penang

first of all..ni trip yang paling santai pernah aku ikut..tapi still, penat dy lain macam..siyes lain macam..adakah kerana fator umur?
ataupun tekanan?
mungkin tekanan la..jpam buat aku serabut jap..pasal ayah aku pun buat aku serabut..mungkin aku terbawak bawak emosi aku kott..but, i think..its okay

but the second time i think..its not okay..nothing is okay..people say 'its okay, i understand'..its all bullshit..they dont understand..i prefer to shut my mouth

aku reti tenangkan orang, tapi diri aku sendiri pon xtenang..just..how? still..im tired of living

escape

i just want to escape..quit everything..leave everything..but I realize, I can leave nothing..thats not me,,

Result Sem 3 + Kem Pangkor + Kursus A&D + Kursus BP + Start Sem 4 (Part 2)

 so sambung at part 2..

kursus BP

mesti korang cam, menatang apa plak bp ni siuttt...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..bp ni la punca kepada kulit muka aku yang burn..hampehhhh..however, bp nni singkatan untuk bakal pegawai, so kalau nak jadi pegawai, kene lepas kursus ni,.2 hari berjemur blajar kawad tongkat dari kol 8.30 sampai 4.30 dan hari esoknya adalah ujian..kau raseeeeee..aku cam..okeyyyyyy..tapi seronok gak laaa..because its a new experience bila sume kene berendam dalam tangki air..pastu kaki aku pon naik ruam sebab pakai but basah..perghhh, siyes gatal..kursus a&d ngan bp ni buat skali terus tauu..so habis a&d terus kursus bp..jadi, memenatkan gak laaa..total dedua kursus ni is 10 hari..uh j la pasal bp..

start sem 4

start sem 4 be like..hmmmm...mungkin makin penat..hahahhahahahaha..aku cuma nak tgk crush aku jer..pls, aku da lama giler tak nampak dy,,tipu la kalau tak rindu, rindu la sikit..tapi sikit j la..tak lebih pon.boleh k kalau aku nak cakap yang aku sayang dy? aaaaa...better tak, perasaan ni mungkin sementara j kan..so..better not..
   




sooooo..uh j la citer yang aku ada..

tapi aku ada citer lain..laki yang mak aku kenal uh da ajak mak aku kawen and im like..awal lagi..awal sangat, bagi la ruang..

aku susah nak terima orang, so aku mmg susah nak terima dy, tapi nak kawen aku tak kisah..cuma, bagi la ruang...

actually aku nak nanges, but there are so many people around me, aku tak nak orang nampak aku macam lemah..aku takde ruang untuk menanges..so tonight, i've got that chance..

aku sebenarnya penat..aku rasa terabai..i'm afraid to share this with people, because they dont even hear..and i just want a tight hug,,i just want to say im tired of my life, but there are ore less fortunate than me, so i thnk its not fair... i just want to stop..literally stop, inside im tired of trying, but i still moving forward..

thats all laaa..terbawak citer sedih lakkk..hahahhahahaha..chiow!

Result Sem 3 + Kem Pangkor + Kursus A&D + Kursus BP + Start Sem 4 (Part 1)

Fuhhhhh..panjang title aku...hahahahahahhahahahahaha
sooo..kita start ngan

result sem 3

result aku ok laaa..just nice..hmmm..gpa aku tak lepas untuk dean..tapi cgpa aku lepas la..sayang gak la sebab tak lepas..da la pointer aku turun dengan konsisten..😂😂😂 however..pointer aku still okay..and I'm super grateful sbb takde yang gagal,,huhu

kem pangkor

kem pangkor ni after aku abes exam..aku abes exam tak silap 18.1..so 19.1 da kene lapor..kem ni 21.1 sampai 24.1 tak silap..so memang tired laa..tapi best..SANGAT BEST!! kat kem ni aku blajar berkayak, buat water confident, then aku hiking sikit, pastu ada explorace tengah malam..siyes penat sangat sangat explorace tengah malam, sebab aku da la ada migrain, lepas uh kurang tido, nak nak pulak ade explorace dari 11 malam sampai 4 pagi..aduh nakkkk..mati wehh..tapi siyes aku cakap, seronok gila..kene marah uh normal laa..sape j yang tak pernah kene marah kann..tapi ni sume buat bonding kitorang mantap..thats why aku suka..sangat nice..aku nak campak gambar..tapi malas pulak..hahahahahahahahahahha

kursus a&d

kursus yang aku paling sakit hati..sebab aktiviti a&d ni lah pinggang aku slalu rasa sakit n cepat lenguh.. -,-..tapi most of it aku buat laa..ada ascending, descending and lake crossing.. a&d ni singkatan untuk ascending &descending.. dy untuk nak bangunan dan terjun bangunan..so ascending ni untuk naik bangunan..sangat menarik dan memenatkan.. aku buat foot lock 1 which is traditional n guna kekuatan kaki n tangan seratus peratus dan menggunakan satu tali, foot lock 2 which is guna dua tali yang dililit pada kaki, sama juga guna kekuatan tangan dan kaki..lepas tu ade foot lock 3 which is dy tak tunjukkan sbb aku lupa apa sebabnyer..hahahhahahahaha

semi mechanical, full mechanical, dan  non mechanical
semi mechanical ni dy guna alat bantuan mechanical at tangan..senang dan menarikkk..hahahahahahha..full mechanical ni guna alat bantuan mechanical at tangan n kaki..lagilah menarik..tapi serius penat..sangat penat..tapi yang paling penat is non mechanical..pastu non mechanical ni buat last skali..buat malam pulak uh..ang non mechanical ni aku tak buat sbb pnggang aku tak mangizinkan.. even aku duduk 10 min ceni pon da terasa sikit da..but..whatever, takkan aku nak tunjuk aku ni terlampau lembik kan?

then buat descending..ada repelling n abseiling..repelling ni buat at kawasan yang ada dinding, tapi abseiling buat kat kawasan yang tidak berdinding..so, kitorang buat repelling, descending ni untuk turun bangunan.. ada 3 teknik which is normal, spider dan australian..and aku ade kenangan buruk dengan spider which is aku pernah jatuh masa buat terjunan spider dari tingkat satu..tak parah pun, tapi bahagian muscle pinggul aku hit the concrete la then blakang telinga aku terhentak sikit..why aku cakap muscle n not tulang? sbb doktor cakap muscle, but kalau muscle kenapa rasa sakit dy smpai sekarang lol..sorry guys, aku bukan budak medik..hahahhahahahahah..so normal ni dy just turun cam biasa, spider ni kepala at bawah, australian ni cam buat airbond..hmmm, cemtu la secara ringas,..kalau aku rajin, aku citer at post yang lain keyyy

water crossing lak ader 4 teknik asas which is komando crawl, monkey 1, monkey 2, and tarzan..yang ni pon aku tak buat sbb masa pakai seat tali uh, dy ketat at pinggang aku, so aku tak buat..kecewa gak la, but its better daripada aku buat drama atas tali tetibe kaki aku kejang..sbb masa aku buat terjunan spider uh pon kaki aku da nak cramp..so,better not..markah kurang tak jadi pegawai pon aku tak kisah sbb of course aku tak begitu hadap untuk menjadi seorang pegawai..pertambahan pangkat means bertambahlah amanah..

sambung at post seterusnya keyyy...

Done Sem 3

fuhhh.. boleh tarik nafas lega aku bila sem 3 habis.. tapi act tak habis lagi, sebab ade kem lagi..dem..
tapi..hmmmm
nak wat gane kannn..kalau tak sebab aku malas nak bagi alasan, aku tak pegi wehh..
aku takkan pegi..tapi,,tapelahh..

aku nak citer..tadi crush aku hensem gila babas..siyes dohh..akhirnya dy cukur jugak jambang dy, potong rambut dy, kan elok gitu..hahahhahaha

kalau tak, da macam manusia primate mane ntah aku tgk,,k,,uh kejam..tapi papepon dy nampak lagi kemas arini, walaupun dy tak pandang aku, tapi lantaklah, aku tak kisah pon.. aku tau dy tak minat aku ponn

ececehhh, ayat sedih..hahhahahhaha

tapi sepanjang minggu exam ni, mental jugak la aku..entah la, tapi agak mental gak laa..

aku tak tau nape, tapi aq teringat kimi balik, aku terfikir pasal mende yang da jadik,.  mungkin aku ni banyak sangat fikir kot..

melampau tak kalau aku cakap, aku mula sayang at crush aku sikit?? takkan? sebab aku rasa aku da start sayang ke dia laa..

dah....aku lanja gambar kaki aku..hahahhahahahahaahahahahahah..bukan slalu belanja  gambar kaki.. XD..okayy..babbaiiiiiii..

risau

risau doh

aku risau kene repeat jer..exam cam hanat jer...dedua paper pulak tuh..yes, i did the best, but the best seems like its not the best that i can give..it seems like i can give more and more..i dont really push myself over the limit and i dont know how far my limit is..did i just over-worried about the things that will happens? i've so much worries in me that i dont want to show it to the public.

da r..papelah..mende da jadik da pon.. bukan boleh ulang k ape kan..at least, aku da cuba yang terbaik kan?

however, aku rase serabut semacam..
hahahaha, bila jer aku tak rase serabut..

when night is my only escape, and the tomorrow morning demand another me
because sometimes counterfeit is much more pleasure-able than the real
i just want to lean and left behind all my worries
living is harder than breath
being the day me is more meaning than the shadow beneath

guts

i want to stop

uh j yang aku piker kebelakangan ni..aku tak tau nak berhenti apa..tapi aku nak berhenti..aku takut..aku takut ngan semua benda, i cant stop thinking what will happen. i just..i just want to stop..😢😢

aku rasa penat..aku penat berlari, aku penat berjalan, aku penat dengan semua benda..dan aku jugak penat mendengar..boleh ke orang dengar aku pulak? tapi, aku bukannya ada benda nak cakap pon.. takkan aku nak cakap aku penat, everyone is tired. that is the main point. semua orang penat. takkan aku nak cakap yang aku constantly penat.

tapi thats the truth

aku penat.

tapi aku nak nampak kuat
fuck all that.

because its not enough..im not happy..
tapi manusia pernah ke rasa cukup? thats another point..manusia takkan pernah rasa cukup..

so thirst of success i neglect myself
so thirst of love i neglect myslef
so thirst of everything i killed myself
take me back in the swing and back to heaven
i would choose to be an angel
not a human which full of foolness
never get enough of what we deserve
cant let go the bad and hard to be submissive to the good